Losing Friends over Pregnancy

Pregnancy – and the following baby – change the whole world around you, including your relationship with friends. Not every friendship can withstand such an abrupt change in values, concerns, lifestyles. Your friends suddenly begin to cut the picture of carefree, fancy-chasing people whom it is harder and harder to understand. Can things be mended? Oh, yes.

Friends drift apart

“There was a time when Hilda and I just couldn’t stop chatting. Now I’m pregnant and, of course, I want to talk about it. But when I bring it up she tries to change the subject to how it all used to be before. I mind that a lot, but don’t know what to do.” Jill, 29.

Ways to make it up

If your friend cannot stand you talking babies, can it be that you are being overindulgent? Why keep the conversation tied to the same topic, however important it may be? Of course you are preoccupied with your current condition, comments counsellor Amanda Kerrigan, but when your friend acts bored it looks like she believes she has too much of it.

• Give yourself 10 minutes for relating your issues, then ask her what she has been doing with herself giving her 10 minutes for her part of the conversation.
• Try to bring up your common topics, mutual friends, relationships, rather than point out that you have different interests for the time being.
• Keep in mind that it’s a period of transition that will be over some time, and you will be able to resume former realtions.

Pregnancy jealousy

“My best friend Sofia has been having problems with bearing a baby for three years and it has made her sour. Now that I am pregnant I have to play it down but still she envies me and I can’t help but keep feeling guilty.” Christine, 30.

Ways to make it up

Unfortunately this is a case when you can’t very well expect your friend to be sincerely happy for you and be supportive. You don’t have to go along with their attitudes, but on the other hand you would do well to be aware of how things are shaping and try and have it out rather than wait till things get worse:

• Sound your friend about how she feels in this situation and explain to her how her attitude affects your feelings. You may avoid losing a friend if you both will try to be perfectly honest with one another.
• Remember that your friend needs to give vent to her feelings before she is able to deal with them.
• It’s her issues that are affected, so don’t forget it really has nothing to do with your baby.

Friend disregards pregnancy

“Gabrielle is getting on as if nothing has happened. She can turn up with some wine out of the blue and insist on talking into the night. Whereas I am usually tired out by the evening and it’s the last thing I want to do. If I tell it to her outright she says I never give her the time of day.” Sarah, 33.

Ways to make it up

Of course you have far less time for friendship now, but it’s nothing you should feel guilty about, Amanda Kerrigan writes. Demanding friends believe they have a right on your time and don’t always understand that the rules have changed; it’s up to you to tell them that. Boundaries ought to be put up, but in the most inoffensive way possible.

• Take the trouble to explain that you are no longer able to stay up and drink all night but it doesn’t mean that you have changed.
• Arrange meetings with her when it’s more convenient for you while your partner will be baby-sitting now and then.
• Discuss when you can spend time together and let her know that you will give her as much of yourself as you can afford.

Friend irretrievably lost

“I thought she was my best friend but since Ana was born we no longer see each other. She stopped by once and then disappeared. Whenever I call her and talk about coming together, she finds some excuse not to. I don’t believe she still holds me as a friend, but why?” Rebecca, 32.

Ways to make it up

Such drastic changes do break some friendships irreparably, which is undoubtedly painful, but gone friends leave space for new ones, who will have no problems bonding with you and your child. According to Kerrigan, pregnancy and babies go for a good bonding agent. You must be having a good chance to meet new mothers who are sure to understand you and provide the necessary support, as well as other helpful things like:

• Ties that can grow into strong friendship.
• Possible help in difficult moments.
• A person who will be ready to listen to your endless baby talk.

Friend to be pregnant with you

“When Judie heard that I was pregnant, she rushed round armed with books and magazines on pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and what not. It was nice at first having her around with all this advice, but she makes out as if I am constantly in need of it, it is growing on her, and it is not nice.” Ashley, 28

Ways to make it up

Friends who take too much upon themselves present a really difficult problem, agrees Kerrigan, for they are happy, positive and supporting – and wearisome at the same time. They expect gratitude and they’re entitled for it in a way, but they don’t realize that it’s your baby after all.
The other thing that they are hardly aware of is that it can break up the friendship by focusing it on a single subject. It looks as if it’s up to you to keep relationship in balance.

• Don’t let the conversation dwell on pregnancy for too long, speak about something else at a tangent.
• Don’t set her off too often by asking for advice.
• When she goes overboard tell her about it honestly.