10 Things That Instill Deadly Fear Into First-Time Mothers
Fear is an unceasing companion in our lives. A list of things that stir up fear in us is virtually endless: facing failure, being deserted, running into an accident, even psychological fears like that of missing out on events. As if it weren’t enough, there are situations that make our fear increase hundredfold. Being a new mother is one of them – everything about childbirth is new to the woman, she lacks confidence badly and isn’t experienced enough to rely on her instincts.
The frightening side of the experience
Well, there is always the first time, we all have to go through it, but it doesn’t alter the fact that, once you’re pregnant, you start to get cold feet. Most of the new fears are the same with every mother, so you can learn what they are beforehand and get ready to face them. When they set on, just calm down so you’re not overwhelmed.
What if I am botching everything?
Even if you have perused a shelfful of books on the subject and given it much careful thought, when your precious bundle turns up, you may feel unsure about your every handling of the baby. What’s more, once your husband’s paternity leave is over, you are left alone to cope – that’s frightening too!
You may still be experiencing hesitation whether you do it according to the book after you have done enough feeding and diaper-changing. Partly it occurs because there may be people around who shove in with their advice and who are sure they do it better than you – and you do it wrong! All aspects of child-rearing get brought up, discussed, and your faults pointed out to you. Yes, maybe you have missed on some advantageous points, but, by and large, it does not matter so much. You give your baby loving care, and that matters most.
Baby blues are heavy upon me – is it because I have too little love for my baby?
Motherhood is hard work, and it bends you on all sides, psyche included. It emerges that 9% to 16% of postpartum women suffer from postpartum depression, and baby blues occur in 60% to 80% (as American Psychological Association tells us). So, basically there’s nothing wrong with it – it’s just your natural reaction. Only admitting to the people around you that you have to bear it, that this experience is bringing you down badly and you cry periodically because you feel that you can’t go on is unnerving. Will they think you don’t appreciate your being blessed?
When you are not left to deal with it on your own, you may get through without it at all. But if you feel the onset of baby blues or depression, you may find relief in your local postpartum support groups – look for one beforehand in case you might need it. It can make a big difference and a pleasant distraction.
Is the baby really and truly all right in all respects?
The baby’s life is rarely uneventful. Today it is hiccups, next week it is acne, next month it might be eczema. And what if the baby vomits violently? Surely something has gone badly wrong, and you jump to the conclusion you are to blame instantly. And what is different about the way he breathes today? What if it is pneumonia? Maybe the only thing is to get him to the emergency room immediately…
On second thoughts, and remembering what books say, stop before you freak out completely. Yes, babies do bring round a number of problems, but you should be expecting that. It happens because it always happens and not because you were bad in the wrong. Read it up, find out that everything is going on absolutely normally, and there’s no earthly reason to get heated. Take the next step and realize a little trouble is all right when it comes.
What if my baby is not developing as he should?
There are those very educational charts that tell us about what skills the baby should develop at a given age. They are really fine, but the truth is that the development of each baby is a very personal feature. They don’t know that they have to conform to the charts. They may grow teeth when it is their personal right time for it and control their necks when they feel like it. If it happens before or after the prescribed time, they are unaware of it: they just do it.
So if you think that your child gets behind the schedule, don’t fret, and if he outruns the schedule at abilities like taking good grasps and rolling over, don’t go comparing him to other children. He is coming on at his own pace, and things are sorting themselves out when it is all right for them.
What if people will call me an awful mother?
Things are happening to your baby at a fast rate, and only someone who hasn’t been a mother at all might start believing it is all your fault. He may develop a bacterial infection, and when you take him for a regular check-up, you will be thinking that the doctor and the nurses are sure to doubt your abilities as a mom.
But if you stop and think, you will realize that they know about your situation, these pros won’t be expecting you to be as primed about it as they are, and, in fact, nobody is going to blame you just because. They are here to help you and not to hand out undeserved criticisms. Then again, it’s up to you to ask questions and seek advice. The goddess of motherhood does render Her assistance, but She leaves decisions of current issues to you so that you can increase your mother’s capabilities.
What if I hurt the baby badly?
This kind of fear sets in from the outset. When you first get to know you are pregnant, you start to be as careful as you can, and especially when driving. Other cars begin to put God’s fright in you, and you drive as slowly as you possibly can to avoid any unexpected accidents.
Then your baby is born. He is so soft and vulnerable and it seems he might fall ill or get an injury at any moment. He is so delicate and cannot control himself properly. That is what you think. Actually, babies are already quite hardy creatures and can stand your treatment without blinking an eyelid. Chances are it is you who are too alert to what is going on. The baby started to cry? He must be in terrible pain! He is quiet? You must check if he is still breathing! You are just playing up situations that come and go, but it will take some time for you to realize this.
What if I am setting the wrong kind of example?
Come to think of it, I am not the worthiest of people alive: I am not a smooth driver, I can give back as much as I get, I can be anxious about the wrong things, and my job involves getting glued to the screen. Besides, there are some other things that I hope my children won’t inherit from me. And I don’t even want to think about my poor self-confidence and the strange terms I am at with my body. Meanwhile, my child is getting to know his way about this world by noticing how I get by.
As a matter of fact, some of your mannerisms will be picked up at a later age, and you have the time and the incentive to alter your relationship with the world.
What if my baby grows up and gets to ignore me?
You have to be a loving and indulging parent and teach your child discipline at the same time. Now it is a toughish kind of job, and you also want to inspire respect and appreciation in your children as you bring them up the way you want to. First, you want your kid to show good manners and NEVER to act up in public places trying to wheedle you into buying a bag of sweets. Yes, it’s a shame the way some people who never know what you’re up against look at you when your baby is into a tantrum at a public place.
Then he grows older, and you begin to remember how you judged your own parents when you were his age, and this insidious fear creeps up on you because you haven’t the first idea how you should be behaving to avoid this terrible thing happening. Now they are dependent on you, but what will they think of you when they grow up?
What if there is an accident that I cannot foresee or prevent?
The accident that makes us all petrified from the very start is SIDS. You want to escape it at all costs, and you start investigating what should be done to minimalize the possibility of that terrible thing darkening your life. You get to know that it might be caused by a variety of things like blankets, stuffed toys, crib bumpers… and practically everything you equipped the children’s room with. Whatever your eye rests upon, it spells SIDS.
You know what, SIDS is a menace to be taken into consideration. No-one is going to deny this. It is the first of things that our children will have to encounter as they get along, and there’s no sure way to control or mitigate these dangers. It is life. What is left for us to do is take judicious precautions and, as our kids grow up, teach them all the means of protection that you know. If you are doing that or have done that, you have done a lot towards saving your younger generation.
What if I gradually lose my self?
You think back of what you had been before you became a mom, and you list up a lot of things you were: a sportswoman, a professional, you know two languages and you can teach Pilates – to say nothing of being a live wire among your friends. Now you are a mom, and there doesn’t seem to be room for anything else.
Your priorities have changed, it’s true, and you had to put aside a lot of things in order to make a good mom. You haven’t felt as underrated and overworked as you do now. And it’s so easy to believe you have lost what you had gained in your life before childbirth.
You are lost, but not losing; you have voluntarily agreed to make a pause in your career so that you can develop in another direction. This development is not only staying away from your friends, getting busy with pooping and vomiting and hiccupping as you may be thinking right now. These occupations are but temporary. When they start to recede, your previous commitments will start crowding in, and you will be busy re-evaluating them and choosing ones that you will want to pursue further. It will be a vitalizing journey towards rediscovering yourself; be ready for it.
