12 Tips to Help a Shy Child
A couple of years ago an expansive NIMH study revealed that around 50% of US teenagers consider themselves to be shy. Yes, but what exactly does it tell us about them?
The word “shy” can be applied to oversensitive children who are heavily influenced by their environment, which can easily overwhelm them as individuals. It also refers to introverted kids who have to stay away from other people at intervals in order to restore their energy. There are kids who are so intent on their own inner world or their activities that they have little wish to interact with others. Finally, there are those who would like to socialize but are hampered by fear of being misunderstood, misconstrued or even rejected. In many cases it is two or more factors working together.
Whatever the reason, it means the child feels acutely uncomfortable in an unfamiliar or menacing social situation and doesn’t know how to react. It’s up to his parents and other caregivers to help them overcome whatever inhibitions they have – but do we know how? If it has to do with you and your family, here are some tips that will come in handy.
It’s believed that eventually most children cope with their anxiety and learn the tricks of socializing; they join groups, express their wishes and opinions. What are the best ways to help them get psyched up faster?
Make note of your child’s needs and respond
Very sensitive babies, if reared by a nurturing mother, grow up active and become group leaders, but if they are reared by an average mother they can remain anxious and reticent around others. Nurturing and positive response make sensitive babies calm down gradually and manifest balanced reactions, which turns their oversensitiveness into an advantage that allows them to tune in to their peers’ needs better. Also, they gain a flair for handling negotiations within groups.
Never shame your child’s worries, but try and share them
Harsh judgment generates future fear of rejection, so if you want your kid to feel secure about their feelings, accept them without reproach. When the child knows you empathize with his feelings, he learns empathy, which will become a highly useful asset for socializing with others.
Modelling confidence before people
Children make note of how we behave. As they observe us offering help, treating strangers with friendliness, they learn to do it without undue strain.
The child’s responses to other children and adults should be taught and developed
Things like shaking hands, responding by smiling, making eye contact and making small talk can – and should – be taught. They can easily be practiced as games at home.
Teaching to make friends
Another good idea for a social game is making friends – how to approach a strange child at a party, ask for permission to join in the game, agree about what and how to play. Children who are successful mixers never butt in unthinkingly, but begin with observation and casting about for a good way to enter the group. It will be worth your while to leaf through a couple of books on social skills before starting on a home role play.
The child ought to know how to express their needs and hold their own
A very important feeling for the child is that he or she can cope with any arising situation in the absence of parents or other grown-ups, stand up to teasing or bullying from peers. Roleplaying can develop useful skills, play can help keep anxiety at bay, and discussing social skills books prompts a variety of efficacious behavioral patterns in difficult cases.
No “shy” labels for the child
Instead of hanging labels, get the kid to own up his or her worries and encourage getting over the fears. Remind him or her of a situation which seemed awkward at the beginning, but turned out to be all right and fun at the end.
There are strategies for handling social situations which your child should know
First and foremost, nervousness and anxiety should be accepted as most people’s normal reactions to certain types of unexpected situations. It doesn’t follow that there is anything wrong with the person and he or she must focus on themselves instead of focusing on others. Tell your child that it’s advisable to show interest in other kids, ask them questions and be attentive to replies. Ask the child what can make him or her relaxed and ease the tension in a difficult situation. Induce a belief that he or she is able to handle a new experience.
The child must have social interaction every day
Naturally, children need time away from people, especially the introvert ones; yet it shouldn’t feel like hiding away, children must expect to come out and meet others in situations where they can practice interacting. Every individual attempt of the child should be noted and lauded.
Never force your child to display their abilities
There are kids who invariably enjoy telling stories or jokes to relatives, there are others who don’t and there are some that do it when they fell like it. Let your child act as they prefer so that they don’t feel valued only for the show they can put up.
One true friend is better than a number of acquaintances
It’s nice to see your child to be the centre of a party, but it’s more important that the kid feels in. While there’s someone to talk to and share a game or two, the child can cultivate closer acquaintances and eventually make good friends.
Develop the ability to express anxiety and fears
If a child is frightened and doesn’t feel safe, the fear isn’t gotten over properly. Rather, it goes deep inside to be re-experienced at a later date, but the deeper it gets, the less chance we have to deal with it. If the child represses his or her fear, that is, tries to merely forget about it, it is likely to accumulate and make him or her fearful and easily stressed. Is this the case? Take your child to some fearful, but not quite, place or situation (bucking bronco rides is what comes to mind first) and let him or her learn to enjoy it and meet the fear that comes up with a smile. When the fear gets too strong, it may end up in a meltdown, which should be accepted and lived down. Once the child has gone through this experience, the fear will gradually start to let up, and the child will become degrees freer emotionally.
