5 Parenting Tips after Divorce
Split-up and a following divorce spells a very difficult period for both the man and the woman concerned, but sometimes they never give a thought that it is their child/children who suffer the worst. It is not only the shock of one parent disappearing from their life all of a sudden. Sometimes children have to go through ordeals like handling a parent who lost his interest in life and won’t get about his everyday tasks, or having to take a stand between the fighting ex-spouses.
Responsible parents who want to make their divorce as little painful as possible for their children and avoid leaving them with a life-long trauma, will have to exercise control over their behavior while the divorce papers are being processed. There are things all exes should realize – and abide by for their children’s sake.
1. Don’t send messages with the child
It seems so much easier to ask the child to tell something to your ex, even if it’s something provocative, abusive and clearly not intended for children’s ears. Naturally you don’t feel like facing him or her, and believe it may only set off another fight. Yet, it is stressful for the child! There are good reasons to use e-mail instead. You can discuss everything, have records of what you both wrote, and e-mails being admissible into court, chances are people will be far more careful about what they communicate to the other.
When you have to come into direct contact, face-to-face or over the phone, never allow yourself to be distracted from the main subject or drawn into an argument. Keep to the point, telling calmly that you understand his feelings, but the issue under discussion now is different, and you only want his opinion on that.
2. Don’t extract sympathy from the child
You need to unburden yourself, and the child is at hand, besides, he or she already knows what’s going on, so why not recount the whole story, complete with what you think about it? Bad idea. Remember, their world is shattered, and their feeling of security is low, your angry recital will make it worse. Find understanding and support in adults, experts, if there is need.
3. Don’t try to replace your child’s feelings with yours
Your child/children are in a turbulent state of mind, still they have their own opinions and loyalties. They need understanding and acceptance of their feelings, not long tirades riddled with criticism for your ex, for whom the child may be cherishing different feelings. For the best contact with the child, let him or her say what they think – you don’t have to react or offer solutions and advice, just let them know that they are understood.
Another good idea may be for you to encourage them to share their feelings with the other parent, especially if they are negative, but don’t press your children into anything, let them do it if they want to.
4. Don’t question the child too harshly
When your child is back from a weekend with your ex, don’t treat it as anything very special. On the one hand, the visit shouldn’t be ignored – the child has to somehow juxtapose the two different worlds, not find himself in the crossfire, which is unbearable emotionally. Make a light unassuming conversation out of it, asking general questions and avoiding unnecessary tension. When you’ve talked about it once, leave it.
5. Make up for the hurt you already caused
It is highly likely that you have already wrought some damage unintentionally. When you’ve shaken off the worst of your own distress, it’s time to pay attention to the young ones and alleviate their bad feelings. Psychologists say that children are very forgiving, and if you know you treated them wrongly, take steps to smooth the hurt over.
You can simply apologize, be sure your kid will appreciate that!
Explain the kid the hurtful situation from your point of view, how things went wrong, and make it clear that you are not going to behave like this again.
Arrange for a signal with the child – when you begin to indulge in piling accusations on your ex again before your child, he or she will raise their hand or give you the set signal to show that you’d better stop it.
