9 Tips to Help Your New Partner Get Along with Your Kid
According to statistics, every second marriage in the world ends in divorce. But this does not mean that life is over for many people. We are going to tell you how to build happiness in a new family, if you (or your man) already have children.
Tell your partner about the child as soon as you meet him
When meeting a man, a woman who already has children should preferably talk about them as soon as possible.
The situations, in which mothers have been trying to hide such a fact for a long time, may happen very often. Sometimes a woman simply does not think about it at first, and then she feels embarrassed. After that, it seems to her that she has lied when she failed to reveal the truth immediately. The taxi principle works here: the farther it is, the more costly. Well, it should be different.
Make sure the relationship is serious for both of you
There are no indicators, according to which you can determine for sure that this particular man definitely needs to be introduced to the child, and the previous two were not worth it. Event context is of primary importance here. When two people have the idea that they are probably ready to live together, they definitely need to be introduced. Is it possible to do this earlier? Why not!
In this case, you’d better make sure that your relationship is potentially serious. If you feel that this is not pure sex for one night, check whether your feelings coincide with the man’s perception. Ask him, for example, whether he plans to introduce you to his friends and whether he wants to meet yours. Offer him to build some plans for the next six months.
Watch the little things: he provided you with a shelf in his closet, he bought you slippers or a phone charger – there should be more than one such “signal”.
If you see these signals and do not just rely on intuition, it will be your “green light”. Why is it important? Because each of these signals hints at the fact that a person considers you as a long-term partner.
If he starts to refuse to even introduce you to his friends or buy you a shampoo, most likely, he does not plan any common future with you. In this case, you should not put yourself under pressure and rush – it is better to wait for the moment when the relationship reaches another level.
Straightforwardness, honesty, and care are the main trump cards
The question of how to present the fact of having a man primarily depends on the child’s age. Three, five, and fifteen years are all different children. You need to talk with them in different ways. Another important problem is the relationship with the kid’s father: is there a father, does the child see him or live with him from time to time? It is difficult to work out a single approach.
What always works is straightforwardness, honesty, and care. In any case, the child will find out that someone has appeared in the mother’s life: she goes on dates (probably even stays with the man for the night), chats with her lover on the phone (and the child is present during these conversations), discusses the man with friends (again – the child has ears).
Therefore, it is better to just say directly: “I have a man, I really like him – I want to introduce you to him, maybe you will like him too.”
At the same time, be honest: “I would like to begin to live together. I hope this makes each of us happier.” And do not forget about care: “I will remain your mother: I will support you and help you. Should difficulties arise, we will solve them together.”
Paying attention to these three points, you will protect both yourself and your child. Mind that the appearance of a new person is a serious change in the structure of the family, which can hardly pass without problems.
It is better to get acquainted within some context
There is a universal rule that always works. It’s not even so important who you plan to introduce (the bride or groom to your parents or friends; your children to strangers): the meeting must be held within a context. The vast majority of people do not have sufficient socio-communicative skills. Everyone needs an occupation, within the framework of which you can find yourself some activity that will be good enough to conceal your feelings.
You can go to the skating rink or bowling together, meet at the laser tag or ride horses. Some kind of master class may come up – in drawing, carpentry, cooking, modelling, or programming. The subject of the meeting depends on what interests the child and the man have.
Context will provoke communication, the ability to come together, and help. The more such episodes you experience, the easier the acquaintance will be.
A similar, but simpler option is to play a cooperative board game (non-competitive).
Going to a restaurant is a bad move in most cases. It is also not very good for a first date or introducing lovers to parents. An amusement park or exhibition in this sense will not be effective: these are not joint activities.
Emphasize that the child is free to express his thoughts and emotions.
First of all, it is worthwhile to tell the child several times that their reaction at the meeting and the opinion about the man can be absolutely different. It is the kid’s right to express his/her feelings. So you can say: “If you do not like this man, tell me – and we will discuss it. I will accept and understand your point of view.” At the same time, emphasize that formal courtesy is a mandatory element of communication with any person. No one should be rude.
This is not a tragedy if your child does not like the man after the first meeting. It will be a tragedy, if the fiftieth meeting fails.
At first, you can ignore this. But this does not mean that you need to stop introducing these two and spend time together. If you sincerely discuss the child’s discontent and take into account the mistakes, you will find a solution how this can be levelled next time.
Decide with the child how to address the man
What definitely should not be done is to ask the child to call your new man Dad — at least when the child knows for sure that Dad is a different person. Communication and the way to address should be convenient for everyone.
The child will be happy, if a man teaches him/her something cool
To maximize the child’s favourable impression, the man should get engaged in the kid’s leading activity. In young children, these are games. Older children study. In this case, you do not need to teach the child algebra and geometry. Show him something cool – for example, put him behind the wheel of a car or enjoy fireworks together. The child needs to be surprised and carried away. Do not forget to support the child’s actual interests – work with them together, sponsor them (for example, buy a book about something the child likes passionately).
Speaking of gifts. Bringing something to the child is a good idea. Gifts symbolize the right relationship, but they definitely should not be expensive. Do not present the kid with a play station, even if you can. A small constructor is a great option. It should be something pleasant and consistent with the son’s or daughter’s talents and inclinations. Mom will advise in which direction it is better to think. “Bribing” the kid is a bad idea. The relations will be built on consumerism rather than on human warmth and liking.
A new man is your child’s older friend rather than the father
There is no need to look for a father. The child already has one – even if the father has died. You can search for an older friend, that is, an adult mentor. This is the first thing.
Secondly, it is important to understand that there will be problems in relations between the man and the child, and you need to be ready for them. You need to discuss how you will act in case of conflict. No one will be happy from the very first moment, forever, and endlessly, so treat this situation philosophically.
Third, it is very important for the man himself not to want to act like a father. He should not command a child, bring him up, or introduce any sanctions. All such actions can only be carried out in the presence of the mother and with her permission.
And the fourth thing is perhaps the most difficult one. In all new families, there are situations, in which both the man and the woman already have their own children. Unfortunately, statistics show that in this case the chances of a man to sincerely love the newly adopted children are much smaller than in any other situation.
This is an average problem. It happens quite often, though not always. In such cases, the experience of fatherhood does not help a man become wiser. He simply loves his biological children, whereas all other kids often remain strangers to him. At the same time, they take away the resources – emotional and material.
If a man has enough tact and intelligence, he calmly lives next to them and takes minimal care of them. If he does not hug these children, but does not get angry or scold them; if he can feed them or take them to the movies – this is actually more than enough.
Do not be afraid to demonstrate relationships in the presence of a child
Is it possible to demonstrate relationships with a new partner physically – hugging and kissing before the partner’s child? Of course, you can do that, if there is nothing unreasonable in your behaviour. There is nothing traumatic or forbidden in this. Let the child see how adults can behave with each other – this is even useful. If a child understands that the parent does not cease being a parent because of their new love, he/she will not be upset about this topic.
All of these rules are universal for any family update.
Everything that is described above also works for a mirror situation – when a woman gets acquainted with the children of her new man. These situations are fundamentally the same.
If both sides have children, do not force the kids into friendship and do not make them love each other. Good relationships do not arise just because someone wants it. This is a long ripening process. The main thing is that there should be more positive than negative feelings about it. If we do not have common happy experiences, there will be no warm relations. We need to interact more often and more actively. It is not easy, but it is possible.
