How to Become a Good Stepparent?

A stepparent, particularly a stepmother, has been the terror of our childhood tales since the start – a jealousy-driven human monster ready to go any lengths in order to get her stepchild out of the way in favor of her own progeny.

Needless to say, the real-life picture is very different, and it is often the stepmother or the stepfather who have a hard road mapped out before them. Nevertheless, they have to do their best to build up a steady and soulful relationship with those children who entered their lives and who now depend on them.

Having married a partner with children, people naturally feel affection for their new family and want to create a harmonious atmosphere at home – which is not at all an easy task.

What step-parents are facing

The family you have married into is likely to be a closely-knit company where all the members know one another well, so at the beginning it may look like you were out of the picture.

The children of the family may be suffering from the divorce of their parents or a demise of a biological parent and need to live it down before they could look upon you as a proper parent.

So it is but natural if the stepchild is timid with you, ignores you or even displays rejection. You have to look for ways to overcome this attitude and form a bond with the kid(s) that could be strengthened further on.

What’s more, the kid’s other parent may offer criticism or various negative reactions showing that they resent your attempts to bond with your stepchild and have other ideas about your relationship with them. In this case the child will behave according to his biological parent’s wishes.

The situation can get even more complicated if you have your own kids; there might arise the question of fair treatment. Sometimes people give their own kids insufficient attention or suspect their new partner of showing preference to their kid.

The reason is, both of you can have very different notions about bringing up children, which will result in different attitudes. Then you’ll have to sort out your differences and come up with an approach that will satisfy everybody.

Also, you may be expected, and sometimes pressed, to assume a certain role: stepmothers can be made to believe they ought to be main caregivers, while stepfathers can be made responsible for laying down rules and setting limits.

In order to avoid the many pitfalls and slide more smoothly into being a real supportive parent, you have to bear in mind a few pieces of advice that could help you along as you try to adjust to your new responsibilities.

Don’t rush into step-parenting

No matter a man or a woman, a new step-parent is supposed to become a member of the family, and consequently, an adult who provides care, so a bond is obligatory. But as you set about creating it, and don’t feel that the child is beginning to be drawn to you, don’t get discouraged: relationships develop with time.

• Begin at a slow pace and avoid the temptation to hurry things along. Mind that children intuitively know when grown-ups fake emotions. Your wish would be to enter into about the same relationship the kid has with their biological parent, but actually yours will be a different kind of relationship, and you need to let it mature gradually.
• Some important factors in attaining the true step-parenting status
  The children’s age matters greatly. Younger children are more open and react stronger to your reaching out. You can proceed faster with them, but beware of a “sleeper effect” which can lead up to disruptive reactions later, sometimes years later. Even if the child seems to have adjusted to the changes in the family happily, from time to time involve them into open conversations to check whether they are really comfortable with the change.
• Another factor relates to the length of your acquaintanceship. Normally the longer you have been around the child, the easier the adjustment. In some cases it won’t work, especially if you knew the family when they were together and could have been the reason behind their split-up. But taken generally, a long history of acquaintanceship makes it much easier for you to bond with your stepchild.
• It is important how long you have been dating the kid’s parent. If the child knows you have been around for quite a while, he understands that the relationship is in earnest and you are not to be taken lightly.
• Then, there is the relationship your new partner is in with the divorced spouse. If the air between them is clear and they are in fruitful communication, the children will feel more comfortable with a step-parent. Meanwhile a lot of negative talk is sure to undermine the new relationship because the kids will have to take what they hear into account.

The time you spend with the kids is also a significant factor. If you rely on weekends, the children may want to spend time with the other parent whom they are now separated with. You will be in the way, and if you want to do the right thing, you will let them have their way and step back. Withdrawing from such situations with good grace will eventually play into your hands.

If you are well aware of potential problems you could be facing in future you will know what to do and how to react when the time comes. Prepared, you can retain composure and control over a problematic situation.

How to make a successful step-parent

Parenting can be very difficult time and again. For a step-parent it is twice as hard, since there’s no comparing between a birth parent and a step-parent. A problematic situation can give rise to power conflicts with other family members, the children, your new partner, the children’s other birth parent.

Learn to place wants after needs

What children really need is love, care and preset limits. Of course, they want sweets, toys and other infantile pleasurers, but coming from a step-parent it could be regarded as attempts to purchase love. It also works the other way round: if you have children of your own and you feel that you are apt to disregard them in favor of your step-child, don’t go buying presents for them in way of compensation. Think how you can work out the same approach for all the kids in the family instead.

Keep home rules in mind

Home rules must be consistent for everybody, no matter if it is your children only, your partner’s children only, or your mutual children. The rules will vary depending on the age of each particular child, of course, but they shouldn’t vary in application. Consistent rules actually help young ones adapt to changes, especially when new kids will be arriving, and provide for the family feeling, for rules unite people.

Another good idea is to unite the two households by the similarity of the reward-punishment systems. Having behaved commendably, the children must know they will get their share of praise and/or rewards in each household, and likewise if they break important rules, they will be punished wherever they happen to be at the time. By maintaining the same system the parents let the kids feel that both households are in the same boat and there’s no “bad” and “good” homes.

Invent and introduce new customs, new activities for children (don’t forget to get feedback). Think of new places you can ride to, games they haven’t tried yet, both indoor and outdoor ones, look for new interesting dishes to cook. Instead of thinking how to win the kid(s) over, involve them in fun and games which build a relationship without undue come-ons which might sound forced.

Being respectful to everyone makes a strong point. In case of a deceased father or mother, you must be sure to be very tactful and on suitable occasions pay honors to that person. When you come face to face with your partner’s ex, stay calm and polite, although it could be a trying thing to do. It is especially important if they share the custody for your step-child. If you have something derogatory to say about these persons, never do it when their biological children can hear you – it can make them grow angry and resentful. Even though they themselves voice dissatisfaction with the absent birth parent, you mustn’t play along.

Children are never to be used for going-between to pass messages to the other home or as informants called upon to relate what was happening at the other place. You don’t want them to think of themselves as spies, ever. Such subjects as schedules, health, education must be discussed with the other partner personally or by e-mail. Visitations can be entered into personal gadgets in advance so that everyone is alerted in good time. Children shouldn’t be included in arranging specifically adult matters.

What must necessarily be discussed is your and your partner’s approach to issues of parenting. You should be ready to arrive at important parenting decisions together without prolonged debates, set home rules and agree on the system of rewarding and meting out punishment. As a step-parent, you may want to question your partner about the children, how to treat them and discipline them so as not to introduce very radical changes into their lives. Learn as many things as you can about that age group and inquire the child about his or her preferences and predilections.

It’s perfectly natural to expect some rough riding at the start of your new family, but with patience and diligence many problematic issues may be overcome after some time has passed and you have grown to understand your new family members better.