How to Freshen up Your Marriage after Childbirth?
It’s a challenge for even the strongest relationships.
When there are three of you in the family, this is not just arithmetic, but a huge qualitative leap. Perhaps you hoped that the birth of a baby would make your relationship more mature and stable, and life would turn into sheer happiness, love and tenderness.
Of course, it cannot be denied that the arrival of a baby is an incredibly joyful event. But at the same time, it can put an end to any romance in your relationship.
The baby’s birth automatically includes stress, chronic fatigue and lack of sleep, bouts of disappointment in each other, and financial problems. All this toxic cocktail is capable of “eating away” even the most reinforced concrete relationships.
The bad news is that the effort to maintain a marriage after the birth of a child takes a lot of time, effort and energy, which is exactly what you do not have during this period. But there is also good news: you will be rewarded a hundredfold for the hard work of maintaining the relationships because all the energy not spent on offenses, quarrels and scandals can be used for peaceful purposes, just to enjoy your beloved baby, life, and each other.
What science says
If right now you feel that your marriage has cracked and everything is going downhill with the birth of your baby, you may be comforted by the fact that you are far from alone. For at least three decades, scientists in developed countries have been closely studying how children influence the relationships of their parents. They constantly come to the same conclusion – babies destroy them.
About two-thirds of couples admit that the quality of their relationship has deteriorated markedly in the first three years after the birth of a baby.
One of the polls, for example, showed that the degree of satisfaction with their relationships among spouses with children is half that of childless couples.
Another study found that more than 40% of couples divorce or separate within five years of the birth of their first child. And in case of the unplanned pregnancy, the situation is even worse.
Moms take the hit
The greatest disappointment in a relationship is usually experienced by young mothers, whose dreams of the upcoming happiness are destroyed by the harsh reality. Except taking care of the baby, they’ve got cleaning, washing, cooking and other everyday life activities.
Even if spouses verbally strive for equality in marriage, it turns out that it is mothers, and not fathers, who pay the maximum price for parental happiness: they get up at night, drop down from lack of sleep and fatigue, feed, play…
If we add problems with breastfeeding, postpartum depression, excess weight and the body that has changed after pregnancy, it’s not surprising that the mother has neither the strength nor the desire to maintain not only romantic, but generally any relationship with her husband.
Dads also have a hard time, they have a huge responsibility to maintain the financial well-being of the family, they have to devote much more time and energy to work. And when the dad comes home, his exhausted wife meets him. She subconsciously expects from him the simplicity and comfort they used to have rather than help and support, but he simply cannot give it. Of course, they cannot return to their previous life, when everything was funny and easy.
It seems to a woman that nothing has changed in her husband’s life with the birth of a baby, he has the opportunity to leave home for the whole day, live his life, communicate with friends, while she is in social isolation, and her world has narrowed down to the size of an apartment. And it can be understood.
But the marriage is at risk as a result. Chronic stress, fatigue, guilt, household and financial problems, emotional and physical burnout in both partners do not at all contribute to good relationships, interesting communication and an excellent (at least some!) sex life.
What to do?
1. First of all, get rid of high expectations
Accept the fact that there will be no fairy tale, and ideal parents do not exist in nature. Both you and your husband or wife are real people, and when you find yourself in a really difficult situation, you do the best you can. When you are not waiting for miracles, they will definitely appear.
2. Talk about abstract things
With the birth of the baby, the communication style between the parents often resembles contacts between business partners and comes down to the exchange of short messages concerning household items – what to buy, who to take and where.
No matter how difficult it may be, try to diversify your communication, and again feel that you are individuals, with your own interests and opinions. You are not robots designed to serve the child. Speak even if you fall asleep in the middle of the conversation, and you will feel relieved.
3. Spend time together
It may seem impossible amid the endless everyday problems, but, nevertheless, you can always find an opportunity to be alone – for example, just watch a TV series together when the child finally falls asleep.
If you are lucky and have someone to leave your baby with, go anywhere together, even to the supermarket. Ideally, of course, let it be a cafe, restaurant, cinema, theater, museum, or just a walk through the streets.
Even half an hour spent by the two of you alone can save what seemed hopelessly lost.
4. Touch each other more often
Physical contact works wonders, and the more “hugs” you have, the happier, calmer, more satisfied and peaceful you will feel. The easier it will be to endure all the hardships and trials. Your sex life may also improve as a result.
5. Share responsibilities
None of the parents should have the feeling that he/she is alone, just make a list of things to do every day or once a week and distribute who is responsible for what. This will give you the feeling that you are working in a team, there will be a very important feeling of support that a strong relationship really needs. In addition, one of the reasons for family conflicts will disappear.
6. Thank each other
Saying “thank you” once again is not at all difficult, but how many positive emotions it brings!
7. Laugh
A sense of humor is perhaps the most important thing in a good marital relationship, maybe even more important than sex (indeed!). It may be incredibly difficult to live with another person, to overcome numerous everyday difficulties and problems together. When a third family member appears, it becomes even more difficult.
The only thing that can save you in this endless struggle with the daily routine is laughter. The more irony and jokes, the easier you will look at what is happening to you. So you will not even think of a divorce.
8. Find reasonable compromises
The subject of conflicts between the newly-made parents is the opposite opinion on how to raise and educate a child. Of course, it would be nice to agree on this early enough, but if this does not happen, you will have to solve problems as they appear and from time to time give up principles for the sake of peace in the family.
Instead of defending your position fervently, try to discuss everything, argue for and against, and find a consensus.
9. Never forget that it will pass!
Children grow up so fast that it makes no sense to sacrifice your marriage. No matter how difficult it is for you now, just try to enjoy the present and the fact that you are together. Enjoy every moment of your baby’s childhood because it will never happen again.
Every parent should take a break from their parenting role
There are studies showing that the time spent by spouses separately from each other strengthens the marriage better than constant inseparability.
The same rule applies to parenting: all moms and dads should take a break from their role.
How much “time off” you need is an individual question. In our opinion, the minimum time is four hours a week. This happens like this: the husband stays with the child on Saturday, and the wife leaves home and returns in four or five hours. She goes to a fitness center, a shooting range, a coffee shop – it doesn’t matter at all, the main thing is that she takes care of herself. The man does the same at a convenient time for both.
The situation when the husband goes to the gym three times a week and plays football on Sundays, and the wife spends all the time with the child, is wrong and unfair. He can do this, but then his spouse should also have the same amount of time for herself – without the kid.
Unfortunately, cases when the dad continues to lead a childless lifestyle after the birth of a baby are common. Many still think that the husband is a breadwinner, and family is a woman’s business. They add that when the kid grows up – he/she can go hiking with their dad. But this scheme doesn’t work in reality.
It is useful for the father to stay with the baby from the first days. For a marriage to be long and happy, both spouses are required to share the child’s care as much as possible.
