When Your Kid Demonstrates Helplessness

Our children are different – they are different according to their temperament, the speed of “grasping” new knowledge, the strength and depth of emotions, the ability to solve a particular situation, etc. These differences can be seen even on the scale of a single family, and that’s great, but we begin to worry when we see that the child’s behavior goes beyond acceptable limits.

When a child is having difficulty in getting the desired thing, he chooses a behavior which, in his opinion, would lead to a result. There are situations when a child needs special attention, when the child begins to resist, when the child prefers revenge as the way to influence others; but there is another model of behavior, which, in our opinion, is very dangerous – evasion. The purpose of this behavior is to avoid taking responsibility and bring yourself out of the circle of people involved in taking decisions.

If the child is not certain of success, he/she chooses a way out and gives up the task. The child can choose a variety of evasion options. The most honest of them is when the child clearly says NO! This suggests shaping some attitude to the situation. It is sad when a child does not say yes or no, but begins to “evade”.

When a child shows helplessness saying “I cannot”, “I do not know”, “I will not work” and looks at the floor, we are faced with the reaction which helps us clearly determine what evasion is. The main indicator for determining the strategy of evasion is the child’s lack of desire to act. The child does not say “teach me”, “help me”, “show me how to do this”. He/she just seems to say “I’m so useless, do it for me.”

At this stage, the most important thing for parents is to just recognize this strategy and avoid playing this “game”.

• First, this will assure the child that we do not believe in his/her abilities.
• Second, we reinforce the strategy of self-deprecation.
• Third, the child ceases to believe in his/her own self.

Fourth, we cultivate a child’s basic position of the victim where self-pity becomes an effective instrument of influencing other people. It is not necessary to dwell on how this strategy influences adult life since each of us has met such helpless people more than once.

If you notice that the child begins to use “evasion” strategy, exclude:

Pity

Pity is a consequence of low self-esteem; if you support pity, you will reduce the child’s self-esteem even more. The child may believe he/she is helpless when even the parents acknowledge his/her not being able to do something. That is what the child thinks. The demonstration of helplessness followed by pity is a hidden request – the child wants to feel confident.

The desire to do something instead of the child

If you do something instead of your child, do not be fooled, you do not help him/her. Instead, you reinforce his/her weaknesses and strengthen the idea that helplessness is a tool of influence. You show that parents will always solve the child’s problems and convince the child that he/she does not need to develop new skills. But most importantly, the dependence on parents becomes extreme, and the stronger this dependence on adults is, the greater becomes the desire to get rid of it.

Attempts to persuade

You would not ask a child to do something that he/she has never done, or does not know how to do, you ask the child to do what he has already practiced. But if the child refuses, there are two basic reasons. For example: the fear of failure, the fear that the result will not meet your expectations, the fear of evaluation, and reinforcement of negative experiences. These fears have not appeared at random, they have been formed, and it is adults who have let this happen. Therefore, it does not matter how much we tell about something being simple and even elementary, all attempts at persuasion will be useless until we begin to help our child get rid of this fear.

The ability to say “I can’t”

The action that you ask the child to perform should not be new, complex, incomprehensible, or meaningless. The child wants to be sure that he/she will receive a positive result. It is easy to do what one is sure of. The child also wants parents to show what he/she can do. But if fear is stronger than being confident of success, it is likely that the child will refuse.
Simplify the problem, turn it into an understandable task and encourage the slightest approximation to the goal.

What should be done

• Do not support pity. Inspire confidence. The child must be confident of success. This confidence should grow from task to task. Help your child “picture” the achieved result – thus creating a program of success.
• Let the child be independent, do not think or do something instead of him/her, do not volunteer to act. Before answering the child’s question, think about what he/she has already done to find the answer: “Mom, where are my socks?” “Where is my notebook?” “How will I solve this problem?”
• Divide a large task into simple and less difficult tasks to reinforce the child’s intention to act and to approximate the action itself and the result. Inspire real achievements, even small ones, and do not praise beforehand.
• Create the right attitude to errors. A mistake is not a result of bad luck; this is an indicator of coming closer to success.
• Do not compare the child with other kids. Comparison with other children weakens self-confidence, and the child may develop a sense of futility and uselessness.

Evasion is not difficult to notice. If you feel pity because of your child’s being so helpless, it’s time to take action. To be honest, it is much easier to change this strategy than to notice it.