How to Stop Parent Tantrums?

One of the most ineffaceable truths about parenthood says that there are times when we just can’t bear our own children. It is with deep guilt that some parents are moved to owing up that at times they find it hard to stand being with their children. They answer back, they remonstrate, they create quarrels out of the blue and fun gets lost. Sometimes the thing is, it’s not the kind of child you expected – they are not sportive, not academically minded, not vivacious, and they don’t rush to understand you and play along.

You can’t but be irritated by your child at certain moments. When you give vent to your irritation, keep in mind that your reaction can produce a very strong impression, and not the one you would like to. It’s worth your while to hone your ability to react in a positive and efficacious way.

1. BEFORE you succumb to irritation establish rules

The situations when we feel enraged with our kids often occur bevause we failed to set rules in good time, and now we have to face an unpleasant outcome. Any provocation to anger means that parents should react immediately – but not burst out in rage, rather, try and stop the sort of behavior that you find unseemly.

It may be the reason for your irritated state lies within you – like after an extrememly demanding day you resent any instance of buoyancy – you may have to talk it over with your kid and beg for their consideration in letting you do without the irritating behavior for the time being.

The child(ren) can be engaged in an activity that really gets on your nerves (making noise when you are talking on the phone, or playing something that can be potentially harmful). Then you will really need to make a pause, impress on them (him, her) your wishes and probably re-channel their activities, and thereby make angry outbursts dispensable.

2. BEFORE you take action make sure you are calm and collected

Once you are mad, the very first idea is to get yourself well in hand. If you are aware of your anger, you can regain control and pause to get rid of excessive emotions – halt in your footsteps, take a few deep breaths, and realize that you have emotional options. Ask yourself if you really concede getting carried away by inner storms. It’s hardly the end of the world, explain to yourself, and breathe deeply some more to shake off the tense sensation in the body.

Seek for something that can make you laugh, thereby changing your mood and releasing the tension. A forced smile will also do, since your nervous system still gets the message that nothing is wrong, and settles down. Instead of making noises, get humming. If you can, and there is music around, move to the music, which is calming too.

There are those who are all for the old trick of punching at a pillow, but this is something better done when you are alone in order to avoid frightening your kid or putting wrong ideas into their heads.

3. Walk out of the situation

You understand that being angry is a bad start if you intend to deal with the situation. Before you fly off the handle and wreck the day for you and the kid, better take some time out and take the edge off your frenzied state. Keep some distance between you and your child in case you feel tempted to shake them or get violent in some other way.

Tell the child that you need to discuss it but not right now because you are feeling too angered and want some time to regain your peace of mind.

If you do the exit, it doesn’t mean the kid remains victorious. On the contrary, they realize that their behavior was outrageous, and it registers. Meanwhile, you set a good example, quieten down and don’t act out of fury and the feeling of righteousness.

If you have running water nearby, use it to wash your hands; then sit down with your recalcitrant child for several minutes, breathe and repeat some quietening phrase to the effect that it is actually all right and everything will wear itself out eventually. You can even say it out loud, setting a good example for the kid on how to handle your aggression and anger in a responaible manner.

It will do you good if you bear in mind that “Kids need love most when they deserve it least.”

4. Mind that when you share your anger with someone else it can gain intensity

While some may believe the notion that by expressing our anger we take away its strength, it’s quite another matter if we express it to someone else. As psychologists discovered, if we begin to express our rage to another person while it is still burning, the rage flames higher. Then the other person, seeing anger amounting, gets more angry too – or more afraid. The outcome is clear, it won’t result in any solution, rather in a deeper break.

The only responsible way out is to get calm and think over the real meaning of your anger: this way you will know what would be the best line of behavior.

5. Never discipline without PAUSING

Make up your mind not to do anything until you have calmed down, ever. You don’t have to settle matters straight away. Begin by saying that (for example) you can’t believe that he hit a smaller child, although you have discussed how hurtful it can be. You have to take time to think it over, and later on you will talk it out. Meanwhile you expect him to behave.

Then take several minutes‘ pause to simmer down; avoid dwelling on the situation, for it will prevent you from calming down. Take you mind off things and repeat a soothing mantra.

When you sit down to talk it over with your kid, be ready to listen him out and set limits that will be commensurate with the misdeed easily enforceable and not damaging the kid’s dignity.

6. In any case, don’t resort to physical force

According to the statistics from the Journal of Psychopathology, upwards of 85% of teenagers admit they have been subjected to spanking or slapping – considering that psychologists are unanimous in that corporal punishment affects infantile development negatively, and the effect may prove to be very lasting. This opinion is seconded by the American Academy of Pediatrics that takes a strong view of impermessibility of beating children.

If you spank the kid it makes for an adequate expression of your rage and attitude, yet the impact on your child will be highly negative and can override your good parental influence. Moreover, slapping and clouting might grow into a habitual means of bringing up. So, it is worth your while not to expose the child(ren) to physical assailment.

So, apply all ploys you know to suppress anger, regain control, up to walking out on the kid. If you failed to restrain yourself and hit at the child, apologize to them, say that it is wrong to do it, and see if you need help.

7. Choose words carefully and control your tone

Psychologists aver that when we speak in a calm voice, we feel calm, and incite other people to talk to us calmly – just like swearing or harsh words tend to overcharge the situation and upset the other party. All of us are perfectly capable of controling any situation by choosing words carefully and keeping the tone of voice higher or lower. It goes even more for our conversations with children for whom we are role models.

8. Failed to overcome anger?

Anger can be adhesive, loath to depart. Make sure you reject it after you have drawn your conclusions and are ready to act on it. Mind that anger offers a kind of defense. We don’t like to feel vulnerable and we express it through getting furious.

Step away from anger and try and find the underlying fear. What if you are afraid that your son might be growing to be a violent kind, and your daughter is too flighty and overdependent on her friends? – definitely not what you wanted for them… If you aknowledge these fears, you will find anger subsiding and these concerns surface. And now that you face these issues you can address them productively before they turn nastier.

9. Think up permissible ways to cope with angry outbursts

Pick a time when no conflicts rage in the home, round up your children and have a talk about permissible behaviors. Hitting other children, throwing toys at others, pulling tantrums at public places – is it all right? Mind that you, as a role model, have to abide by these rules too.

You can even make up a list of responsible ways to keep anger at hand and hang it up in a place where it can be referred to often. If you feel rage welling up inside you and go to check this list, your children are sure to take it in.

10. Prioritize your fights

Whenever you interact with the kid in the negative fashion, you draw on your relationship capital. Since you don’t want to do that too often, zero in on the most important issues, like your kid’s attitude to other children and adults. Of course, you may resent the casual way they treat their clothes and toys, but it is really worth your while to pick on it and raise a ruckus? The more fights you get engaged in, the more troubled your relationship will be.

11. It takes two to create a problem

We all keep evolving, and if you do it with awareness, keep an eye on your child who can show up your weak spots so that you can bolster them. If you are sure of your impregnability, you may be tempted to play out the worst scenario. Feel that in every situation that arises, you can be instrumental in playing up or playing down every particular situation. When your kid gives you a grilling, you still remain the dominant one.

But to be one, you have to have your emotions in check. You won’t mend your little one’s ways at one go, still, if you show them how to keep cool, calm, and collected no matter what, they will eventually learn your lesson well.

12. Should your anger prove to be unmanageable, consult a specialist

Help is there for you to take advantage of; if anger proves difficult to subdue, seek it. In the long run it could be better for yourself and for your child(ren) alike.