Statistics really hurts. Half of all divorces occur within the first 3 years of a child’s life. The birth of a child binds a man and a woman forever. But it also disconnects many people. What threats does your family with little children face?
The error of imaginary evidence
Women often get indignant: “Don’t you see I’m tired?”, “Isn’t it obvious that the child stays with me all the time, so I can’t wash the dishes?” Subconsciously, we often think that what is obvious to us should also seem obvious to our partner. And since it is obvious – why doesn’t he do what is needed? This is a huge reason for quarrels and grievances.
The first step to improve the situation is to ask yourself before getting offended: “Does my husband know about my expectations in this particular situation? Does he know why it is important for me?”
According to a study conducted by J. Gottman, 70% of women are dissatisfied with their husband in the first year of their child’s life.
Playing the victim
I think you know what this means. You meet the husband from work with an air of being busy and exhausted. Then he is supposed to understand at once how difficult it is for you. You do everything for everyone and get angry that no one helps, appreciates or even notices. You expect too much from yourself and then heroically try to conform to these expectations.
Why do we do it? In order to feel important. And to be comforted. To have your contribution to the family acknowledged and to show that it is not an easy thing. When we lack recognition, understanding, or help, we often tend to have a pained countenance and walk around the house with silent reproach.
But when one is a victim in a couple, the other one automatically becomes a tyrant and a torturer. Every person wants to be good in their relationship.
Even though the victim’s position carries certain benefits, it does not give us recognition and care that we need and want, and that is particularly disappointing. It destroys the ease in relationships, laughter and humor.
The first step to improve the mistake is to take the responsibility for everything that you do or don’t do. For everything you have or don’t have in your life. That does not sound very amusing, but it’s the only way to get out of the victim’s position. It is your choice to have a child and do everything for him, for the husband and about the house.
Joining the “children’s camp”
Do you say “we” and “he”, referring to yourself with your children and your husband? One can hear it very often: “Dad does not like to go for a walk with us”, “My husband is not interested in our life.” When a woman sees her family as herself with the children and the husband, the man feels excluded from the relationship and unneeded. He comes home and feels unnecessary there – his wife lives her own life with the children. As a rule, it will not last for a long time – the husband will be busy with his gadgets or will be physically absent more often: staying longer at work, drinking beer with friends and so on.
It is much more natural to have the division into parents’ and children’s “camps”: my husband and I and they.
It is easier not to get into this trap than to get out of it. It is particularly addictive, if children have a small age difference. The way out would be to deliberately create a situation in which adults and children are on different sides.
The first step to improve the situation is to put your communication with the husband into prominence when he comes home from work. The child will not prevent you from doing this. If the child is old enough, you can let him/her watch cartoons for half an hour. If the children interfere in your conversation, you can say that mom and dad are talking at the moment and inquire if there is anything urgent.
Being associated with performing duties
In this situation, we try to be a good wife. All of our inner life revolves around having to do something and managing our time. The relationship is then inevitably reduced to performing duties.
A husband is also seen basically as the performer of duties. Rarely a good one, more often a mediocre or extremely bad performer of duties.
In this state, a woman feels convinced that she knows everything about her husband and that everything has already been discussed. At the same time she understands very little of what’s going on in his inner world. She does not even realize that her understanding is very poor. It sounds a bit confusing, but you see the point, don’t you?
It means that a beloved spouse is not perceived as a real person with his own way to go and lessons to be learned, living his complex inner life.
The first step to correct the mistake is to ask the husband about his mood and feelings before burdening him with the backlog of domestic affairs.
Excessively pedocentric lifestyle
Being pedocentric is an unmistakable sign of our time. Everything is done for children and their happy childhood. Plans for the weekend often involve a children’s entertainment center, a park and a shopping center where educational toys or a bicycle should be bought. Plans for the evening often include games with the child or watching cartoons. Plans for the night can be to listen to a webinar on education.
It’s hard to believe, but this bias brings benefit neither to parents’ relations nor to children themselves. Children are important, of course. Their needs are important; their development and their happiness are important. But parents are also important. Parents’ needs, interests, and pleasures are also important.
The first step to fix the situation is to schedule entertainment for both children and adults next weekend.
Childbirth really is a tough test for the couple. Fatigue, sleepless nights, no time for each other. You can pass this test individually, which is bound with disappointment and injustice. But you can also do this together. Admitting yours and your husband’s fatigue. Supporting each other. Always trying to understand and feel what is going on with the dear person, what hurts his soul, what his dreams are about. And telling the same things about yourself.